Find Your Wall. See the Magic of Support.

My last post touched upon three things that came to mind when thinking about transitions: the inevitability and varied duration of transitions, as well the role of support during the process. In this post and posts to follow, I am going to go deeper into each of the above. I will start with the support because it speaks to me the loudest.

When I think of support, I immediately think about yoga. When I started my yoga classes about ten years ago, I was surprised how often my teacher used the word "support." I heard it more in one hour than in the whole year. She told us to use blocks if we needed extra support with balance. She encouraged us to use blankets to support our necks. She showed us how to use the wall for support during inversions. And of course, she was there for us, for extra support.

My initial reaction to support was that I didn’t need it. I shouldn’t need it, rather. I should try to do it by myself, without any help. But my teacher was very convincing. There was no shame in using support, if we needed it. Sometimes, the support could be temporary, like the training wheels on the bike. Sometimes, the supportive tools would become a part of our permanent practice, and that’s not a curse but a blessing because that allows us to do things that help our mind and body. Besides, even if we didn’t need support, using a block or a belt could provide us with a deeper or different experience. If you ever tried to do a Half- Moon pose with and without blocks, you know what I am talking about.

From all the support tools I've learned to incorporate in my yoga practice, my favorite is the wall. I exploited it to the maximum when working on my forearm stand. Even now that I don’t need it, I like to do my inversions near the wall. Somehow, the very knowing that I can lean on it, helps me to do better.

And this is probably how I would like to receive my support outside of the yoga practice. I like to know that I have someone or something to turn to if needed. I want my wall to be near me. As I have realized, though, the wall metaphor doesn’t fully translate to human support, for two reasons.  

First, unlike the wall, which doesn’t need to be asked to be used, our human support group often needs to know we want their help. We need to include them into our lives and our endeavors. Consenting to receiving support is the first step of getting support. Unless you've got in your circles a few of the DISC Red type. They will offer you unwanted advice at any moment. But then again, that's not real support, is it? Secondly, unlike the wall which is there just for us, the support among people is a two-way street.

When I moved abroad during college to study at a different university, the hardest part of it was leaving behind the few friends I had made, especially Danusia. She was not only my friend- she was my wall. I always felt bad about how much I depended on her. I thought it was a burden for her and a pity on me. I hoped she didn’t know how much I needed her. Of course she knew.

Fast forward twenty years later to my spring purging and packing. When I was going through my closets, I found an old box with letters from my friends and family. I felt like I found a treasure chest and a time machine in one. I decided to re-read the handwritten correspondence, for which I sadly needed my reading glasses now. One of the letters was from Danusia, written soon after I had moved to Antwerp. At some point in the letter, her words made me pause. Apparently, she missed our chats and me being around.  I must have read this letter years ago, but somehow this time it really resonated with me. All this time I thought I was good riddance, but in fact not only did I miss her, I was being missed too. In a way, I was her wall. I wish I had noticed earlier. We could have supported each other better.

Funny thing, support. It can be such a good and easy thing, yet we make it so complicated. The bottom line is, whether we are mastering a skill, changing the job, or adjusting to changed circumstances, we can do it better with support. There is no penalty for seeking help when we need it, and there are no medals for going it alone. Even olympic athletes work with their coaches.

I hope you can identify your wall and lean on it when you need it. See what happens.

Ps. Thank you, D.

Reflections:

• how easily do you reach out to people for support?

• what stops you from seeking support?

• who is your wall?

• for whom are you the wall?

• have you ever done better just thanks to feeling supported?