Fear Has Large Eyes

A few weeks ago, a fellow coach mentioned she wanted to write a book about fear. Personally, the topic resonated with me and I thought it was a worthy endeavour, but she was hesitant. Apparently there were plenty of books about fear on the market already. Ironically, ever since our conversation, I have been witnessing or experiencing all kinds of different fears, as if to show the coach that despite all the literature on fear, we still do get scared. The fear is very much out there and we struggle to deal with it.

As an old Slavic proverb says, fear has large eyes. From my own experience and looking at my dog, it also makes you freeze, hide, and have a queasy stomach, among other symtpoms.

Ever since Kyra was a puppy, we made it our goal to socialize her. As a result, she grew to be a most friendly and playful German shepherd. She wagged her tail at every person and dog she saw and she had a blast at dog parks. But recently, an inconspicuously looking doodle decided to teach her that life was not all rainbows and unicorns.

Kyra was minding her own business playing fetch when the dog darted across the field in her direction, barking incessantly. My dog froze in an instance. The doodle withdrew, but Kyra had no interest in playing any more. She walked towards me and looked around vigilantly. The doodle returned to his owner, but he was still at the park. I petted my dog and tried to play the whole incident down, but the damage was already done. Kyra walked herself to the car.

I tried to go back to the park another day hoping to replace a bad memory with a good one, but she would just trail the air, sniff the ground and walk back to the car. Sometimes, she wouldn’t even get out of the car. Luckily, we have other parks in town and Kyra's fear of the doodle didn't affect her curiosity, playfulness and the happy nature all together. She is more cautious though around dogs she doesn't know. But it made me wonder. What about those (people, dogs, or any other creatures) who have to deal with chronic fear or fear coming from different sources? What about those who do not have a safe place to retreat to? How many of us have never found back the joy of exploring and being curious because of fear?

Kyra’s copying with fear through avoidance reminded me of my own story decades ago. A man I only knew through another person verbally attacked me and threatened me after I’d made a joke that didn’t land well with him (a topic for another post: How I learned not to lighten uncomfortable subjects with humor). I avoided the street where it happened for a few years.

But was avoidance the best solution? It kept me safe I guess, but my heart raced every time I thought about the incident and when I was in the neighborhood where it happened. Maybe I should have dealt with it differently. Maybe I should have resolved it by exposure, the way I am dealing with my other fears, like fear of heights or fear of the unknown. Or maybe I should tackle the above fears with avoidance instead.

In a few weeks I am going to visit my family in Poland. For the first time in over a decade, I will be traveling by myself and I am quite scared.

It’s not like I had never done it. I had, extensively, and I was perfectly comfortable with the process. But since we had kids, it has always been family trips. I have done lots of other things by myself, but I’ve had no need to travel alone.

As a result, instead of looking forward to seeing my family and friends, I am quite focused on trying not to feel scared of the trip. Unfortunately, by blocking the feeling of fear, I am also blocking any positive feelings in the anticipation of the visit. It’s not ideal a solution. Luckily, deep down I know that as soon as I get to the airport, my nervousness will go away. I like to say that practice makes better, but in this case I also know that practice makes less scary. Which reminds me, maybe it is time to revisit the park and stop Kyra from hiding from the doodle.