"Can I Nail It?

“So, how is coaching going?” My coaching teacher asked me during our first mentoring session.

“I am definitely seeing progress,” I said truthfully. I did think that practice made me better. “But every good session seems like a fluke. I am never really sure in advance if I can nail it, you know?”

My teacher gave me a pensive look and cleverly responded with a philosophical question: “Can you nail something that is not fully in your control?”

At first I thought she was trying to make me feel better about my still shaky coaching skills. But then I thought about it more. She is a coach. She wouldn’t say random things just to make me feel better. Maybe she actually had a point. First, I was not in full control. I could plan, prepare, and pretend otherwise, but the truth was that coaching was a two people job. I could try my best to be present and resourceful, so I could fully be there for the client, but the client led the way. Both parties contributed to the outcome and it would be sheer arrogance on my part to think otherwise.

My teacher’s question made me think about other occasions when I probably tried to nail something that I was not fully controlling. And then, when I didn’t nail it- surprise, surprise- I beat myself up for it. The carefully rehearsed business complaints that never led to any resolution. The hopeful small talk conversations that never developed into anything deeper. The meticulously crafted query letters to publishers without a response. Or even a recent family visit.

As much as I had planned and prepared physically and mentally to be a welcoming hostess, juggling my family routine with entertaining our guests and responding to their needs and requests turned out stressful. My mood was gradually lowering and my engagement decreasing. If I had to rate my hosting performance, I definitely didn’t nail it.

But then it occurred to me. Could I have nailed it in the first place? Was I in full control? Sure, there were moments when I could have contributed more to the ambiance, but the visit as a whole was definitely not a solo dance. There were many variables independent of me. Alone, I was not able to nail it.

The realisation was both motivational and liberating. There is a lot I can do to contribute to the outcome, but the outcome is dependent on more than my contribution.