Back in the Driver's Seat

When my fiancé, now my husband, and I started talking about our wedding, and he presented me with elaborate spread sheets, lists, and timelines, I knew right away I was marrying a planner.

Since I had approached my future with mental visualizations not visuals and the only plans I had ever made were lesson plans, I was both impressed and intimidated by my husband’s everyday application of his professional planning skills. Compared to his decisive and detailed planning, my noncommittal exploring was amateurish and ineffective. It was also often followed by a smile rather than action . A movie Friday night? Maybe, it depends. I will get back to you Friday morning. Ideally, that was how I rolled: taking my time to decide. Committing to things too early gave me a lot of anxiety. I worried that my energy would not align with the activity, or, as my friends put it, I was flaky. I didn’t want to be flaky.

My husband was the opposite of flaky. He liked to make quick decisions and stick with them. He didn’t talk about mood, alignment, or anxiety. Actually, he was anxious if he didn’t have things planned, booked, and confirmed. He would buy his movie tickets immediately and plan his weekend around the movie time.

For years and to his delight, my husband was a designated planner in our family. He was in charge of booking our hotels and restaurants, planning vacations and weekend get-away, buying plane tickets, and anything that involved taking decisions now about family things far in the future. I joined in further in the process, sometimes just to sign it off. When our boys were little, and I had no time to think about the next meal, let alone next holiday, I felt really blessed to have someone to take care our arrangements. But as the kids got older and I was slowly getting my life and my brain back, I realized that even though my husband’s detailed planning perfectly worked for him, kept our family on track, and gave some structure to my dreaming, my husband's approach did not serve me best.

While my husband’s decisiveness and effectiveness, allowed me to relax and enjoy the view in the passenger seat, I actually missed driving my future. Even though my planning process was different from my husband’s, often way slower, and seemingly inconsiderate and flaky, it actually worked for me. Taking my time to make a decision allowed me to collect data, which I needed to feel good about my decision. Researching and exploring might seem like indecisiveness and procrastination, but to me it went hand in hand with deliberation, which I valued. Secondly, I was also an introvert with a moderate energy level, and it was important to me to align my energy with an activity to simply be at my best. Sure, I was capable of sticking to the schedule and going with other people's plan, but it often came at a cost: I was stressed, anxious, and not always pleasant to be around.

I was beginning to realize that, even though, my husband was definitely more skilled a driver and more efficient a planner, I was ready to go back to the the driver's seat. It wasn't long before I got an opportunity to claim it.

"Want to go to Italy for the spring break?" My husband asked me out of the blue, minutes before I was ready to pick up our son from school. " Since I am going to be in Europe for work, we could combine it with a family trip."

Knowing my husband, it was safe to assume that it was not a spur of the moment idea. He had already checked the planes and hotels and was waiting for my final yes (which was just a formality because who on earth would say no?) in order to finalize the booking. And usually, I would have said yes. Since he had already done all the prep-work, why not? I didn't want to stall things or re-invent the wheel, did I?

“I like the idea, but I don’t think I can decide at this moment,” I told my husband, to my own, and his surprise. “I think I might need a few more days to think about it. How about I get back to you by the end of the next week, after I do my thinking and my research?”

And I’m glad I did. As it turned out, revisiting Italy was a great idea, but for another time. The long flight with several layovers would drain our time, energy, and finances, so what's the point and what injustice to Italy. But there were other, easier to reach, places our family wanted to visit and, with two weeks to think about it, I had fun considering different options. I had an educated opinion on our spring travel even before the deadline. I'm glad my husband planted the trip seed, but I was also happy to be a part of the process. Now we could (loosely) plan it together.

Yep. I was definitely ready to claim my spot in the driver's seat. Sorry hubby, I know how you feel about my slow driving, but I guess that's how I roll best.