A Friend in Need (of coaching?) Is a Friend Indeed

“Thank you, so much,” I said to the dog sitter as I handed her the money. She took good care of my dog while I enjoyed hiking in the Tetons with my family. I was truly grateful. “And as I said in my email, if you want to try life coaching, I am happy to offer you a complimentary session.” I had recently been certified and I was genuinely thrilled to finally have a fun skill to share with others.

“I already have a coach,” the lady responded quickly and decisively. “My friend, Lisa.”

“Oh…” I said slowly and unsurely.

A typical misconception: coaching is like a heart to heart with a dear friend.

I didn’t judge, though. My understanding of coaching was vague, to say the least, even after I had enrolled in the coach training. I knew it was some kind of talk-therapy, but was a coach more of a friend, or a sage mentor? Or maybe it was a yogi?

On one coaching website, the coach was dressed in a suit and could be mistaken for a successful real-estate agent. On another, a young woman in a lotus pose was mindfully sipping her herbal tea. What could this twenty-something stranger know about what I should do with my life? I trusted my friends more. They knew me better. But if other people preferred to talk to a stranger, I was going to be there for them. I helped many of my clients as an instructor, I was happy to do it on a more holistic level, as a coach. Plus, I was now in my forties, so I might have even lived long enough to appear moderately sage for a younger demographic. As far as talk- therapy for me, personally? I didn’t think I needed it.

If I wanted advice, I would hire a consultant. If I needed a skill, I would hire a teacher. If I got a mental breakdown, I would go to a psychologist. Talk-therapy was fun when Diane Keaton and Woody Allen explored their feelings in witty dialogues, but for me it seemed too self-indulgent and so Manhattan. I was good at mental talk. I learned from books. If everything else failed, I had my husband and my friends for help. Yeah, right.

Talking with my husband was a safe place, but he had no patience for splitting hairs. My “trivial” dilemmas resonated more with my friends, but a friend in need of coaching was not my idea of a friend indeed. From my girlfriends, I wanted support, helpful insights, and a pat on the back when necessary. It was a mutual expectation.

As I learned quickly from my own coaching sessions, in which I reluctantly participated as a part of my coach training, coaching was not a chat with a friend. Unlike friendship, coaching was a professional and one-sided relationship. The coach was there to serve ME, on MY journey. The coach was trained to listen and read between the lines. She was there to help me to get to my destination without crashing, by exposing blind spots and numerous self-sabotaging techniques I had developed over the years for coping purposes. A good friend, even the most blunt or sage was not always objective enough to do so. Once I turned resistance into curiosity, I noticed immediate results. It was not the idle talk I had imagined. It was not mentoring or consulting either. And it worked. Every session led to a mental shift or a physical action.

At least that was my experience with coaching. But, different things for different people, right? How could I know what my dog sitter lady needed? I was not going to undermine the power of Lisa.

“Good for you!” I said. “If you get your coaching from a friend, you’re all set. Thanks again!”